Forever Sunny Day

[Plan-B]

Forever Sunny Day

Gazing through my inner window,
As I view the pounding rain
The burden of my heavy thoughts,
now fuels my endless pain

Now my window vanishes
and the rain hits me strong
falling back with nothing left
which makes my life so wrong

With mystic fog and shattered glass
Can i see the way??
My blinded sight and injured touch
Has lost my trust, i say

Then sun wakes up and lights my day
As her smile is all i need
Because all i ever wish for
is a forever sunny day

By Plan-B


thanx 2 those who read.....better then my previous??....... ways to improve this piece is much appreciated

[skydjade]

humm i had to read it 3x to understand it =/

geez im bad at reading poetry.

[Plan-B]

umm, is it because my writing is bad or??

but thanx for reading

[blackp]

well i like parts of it and others not.
It's too... hmm how should i put it, well incoherent would be the best word for it i believe.
Which makes even the good parts suffer.
Other then that it's pretty good.

Regards

black

[skydjade]

nah not cuz ur writing's bad. it was too abstract for me i guess, try changing some of ur words. like gazing instead of looking.

don't like the line 'Then my window crashes' and how it sounds too solid for the imagery you're drawing. hahaa not sure how to say this stuff. poetry's not my thing.

kiu ^^

[Plan-B]

thanx guys.....yeh i get ur point.........thanx 4 ur input, i'll see what i can change

and about the incoheerent thing...........well what i was trying to depict was how something so bad can happen and ruin ur day, but at the end, one small thing that makes him happy.......i see that my portrayal of words ain't that good yet.......but i'll keep trying

[Handbagstory]

The last stanza was a bit different than the other, because of the "non rhyhimg".
None-the-less, nice poem.

My blinded sight and injured touch
Has lost my trust, i have say

I should write it like that.

[Plan-B]

thanx!! :)

Has lost my trust, i have say

doesn't that kinda throw the flow abit of the sentence before it??.......i'm not sure, but thanx 4 reading

[Ruben]

"which now fuels my endless pain " and "which makes my life feel so wrong" sound too long. You should shorten them. But the rest is kinda awesome :D I love it ;)

[Handbagstory]

Ow, my bad.. I have to say. XD

[Plan-B]

o ok thanx guys