griffinax
07-12-2007, 07:11 AM
>>The Big-Busted Organist
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
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>>Good Catholic Girls
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter. St Peter asks first girl, "Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Meg have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Amy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jenny sticks her arse in it"
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>>The Ten Commandments
A Baptist deacon notice the Pastor was agitated one Sunday morning so he asked what was wrong. Turned out some one had stolen the preacher's bicycle. So the deacon said preach the ten commandments and when you get to the one about "thou shalt not steal" really bear down hard and maybe the thief will hear about it and return your bike. So the preacher preached. But he didn't emphasize any one commandment more than the others. After the sermon his deacon buddy asked why he didn't emphasize the one on stealing. The reverend said "When I got to "thou shalt not commit adultery" I remembered where I left my bike."
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>>Satanic Starbucks
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity. The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
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>>Heaven Test
Heaven was too full so one day they had St. Peter standing at the Pearly gates to only let in the people that had a really bad day the day they died! So St. Peter asked the 1st man what was wrong with the day he died the man replies:
" I had the suspicion that my wife was cheating on me so I went home early to catch her at it! I went home but only found her asleep on the bed until I went out onto the balcony and there was the bugger hanging onto the railings!! so I threw him off but he didn't die so I got my fridge and threw it at him but lifting it gave me a heart attack and I died" St Peter reckons this is a pretty bad day so lets him into heaven
St Peter asks the 2nd man what was wrong with his day the 2nd man replied:
" I was working out on my 20th floor balcony and I slipped but I managed to catch the railings of the balcony below so but then some guy comes out onto his balcony and throws me down to my death but I landed in some bushes so it was ok but then he threw his fridge at me and I died!!" St Peter chuckled and let the man into heaven
St Peter asked the 3rd man what was wrong with his day the man replied:
"picture this I'm hiding naked in a fridge...."
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There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Good Catholic Girls
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter. St Peter asks first girl, "Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Meg have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Amy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jenny sticks her arse in it"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>The Ten Commandments
A Baptist deacon notice the Pastor was agitated one Sunday morning so he asked what was wrong. Turned out some one had stolen the preacher's bicycle. So the deacon said preach the ten commandments and when you get to the one about "thou shalt not steal" really bear down hard and maybe the thief will hear about it and return your bike. So the preacher preached. But he didn't emphasize any one commandment more than the others. After the sermon his deacon buddy asked why he didn't emphasize the one on stealing. The reverend said "When I got to "thou shalt not commit adultery" I remembered where I left my bike."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Satanic Starbucks
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity. The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Heaven Test
Heaven was too full so one day they had St. Peter standing at the Pearly gates to only let in the people that had a really bad day the day they died! So St. Peter asked the 1st man what was wrong with the day he died the man replies:
" I had the suspicion that my wife was cheating on me so I went home early to catch her at it! I went home but only found her asleep on the bed until I went out onto the balcony and there was the bugger hanging onto the railings!! so I threw him off but he didn't die so I got my fridge and threw it at him but lifting it gave me a heart attack and I died" St Peter reckons this is a pretty bad day so lets him into heaven
St Peter asks the 2nd man what was wrong with his day the 2nd man replied:
" I was working out on my 20th floor balcony and I slipped but I managed to catch the railings of the balcony below so but then some guy comes out onto his balcony and throws me down to my death but I landed in some bushes so it was ok but then he threw his fridge at me and I died!!" St Peter chuckled and let the man into heaven
St Peter asked the 3rd man what was wrong with his day the man replied:
"picture this I'm hiding naked in a fridge...."
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